Tuesday, February 28, 2012

breathing underwater

That's how I feel...sort of panicky and anxious. I'm hoping my Dad's swelling is temporary and he'll be treated quickly and not be in pain (which he is in). My Mom was too tired to talk...exhausted and tired. Yet, she is optimistic and hopes for the best. It was reassuring.

Jon looked up the symptoms and people have been suggestion reasons...seems related to his kidneys. So, hopefully, it's a medicine thing.

I wish I hadn't watched that program on TV about the 600 plus people. It's too visually graphic and makes me think of all the complications that happen to people, in general, in the hospital or life. I can see why people throw away their TV's or want to live on a farm or walk in the woods. There is a lot one can worry about.

Maybe it was the coffee and not worry that made me upset last night. I did eat a few goldfish crackers and had sherbet for dessert. I don't know. It was very annoying and I have this acid feeling from whatever it was.

I wish it was warm and I could start marking out my garden. Actually, it was sort of warm yesterday and we were outside a lot. The kids got so muddy...annoying.

Praying for my Dad and Mom. Praying all who are ill will find healing and be with little or no pain.

Have a good day.

Sunday, February 26, 2012


It's so nice to have a mostly calm Sunday. Good day at church, lovely soup fund raiser at church and then family time. We didn't get to go to the ice skating as Lydia was still upset for falling the last time she went. She didn't tell me she had hurt for over a month! Poor kid! I felt bad about that. She also had a melt down about serving as acolyte today...just wanted to be a kid. She is a little kid after all (even if tall). I think she was worn out from the concert on Friday. She had a melt down there too (was hungry and cold). The auditorium at the school was surprisingly small and so many people came to this event (awesome) that there was a shortage of seats. I found out that the other auditorium that was made into a football field was quite a bit larger and had balcony seating. It's too bad that is gone. Honestly, who ever planned this should have rented out the Jaffa or something or scheduled less schools at one time. It was pretty crazy and with the cold/wind, made everything seem a bit live wire.

Well, we survived and got the kids shakes and burgers for all of it. Their auntie was very nice and got Miss Lydia a bouquet of flowers. It made a good impression on her. :)

Honestly, if you want to pack the house, have a concert with some kids/adults, charge $3 per seat and make sure it's in the end of winter...people will come. I was truly amazed at the support. If there was about 1,500 to 2,000 people coming a group could really raise a lot of money for your group.

Now that I'm home and can think I'm going to finish up my couch covers and hopefully, the rest of the couch. I'll take some pics when it's all over. I don't know why I get so apprehensive about these projects. Probably because there is a trail of fabric pieces all over. Oh, well...

Have a great weekend! :)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

43 degrees

It's warming up and yes, it's still winter and yes, we're supposed to get cold again. Right now, I'm uplifted by the sun, that my Dad recognized my Mom for the first time in several months and held her hand. I'm composing a poem about this. When I'm done, I'll share it here.

Small things are happening...I found out a mistake on my part, was not the end of the world and I've let my sad feelings go. Some very kind people talked to me about it and got all the bugs out and I feel a lot lighter and not so smacked in the face. I felt so much like the character, Emily of New Moon, when she gets so happy about poem and rushes to the teacher to tell her to repeat a favorite line. And the teacher slaps her for not doing her math and listening to the older students lesson. Just a bad and disappointed feeling. But that is water under the bridge and I can move on now. sigh~

Also, got to talk to my sister for almost an hour. It was very nice and calm. We must be feeling good about the little progresses Dad is making. Such a relief to talk about normal, silly things like hair dye or how we love our annoying children. lol She gave some great advice about kids earning points a bean (or M and M) jar. I told the kids and they are excited about it. :)

Jon is home sick and I have extra chores but at least I don't feel sick. Just a stuffy nose. I thought it was my allergies but Harrison and Lydia both have runny noses. Oh, well.

I feel so much better about stuff. I wish I had talked about it before and not held it in for so long (like nearly 7 months). Yet again, another communication realization for me.

Well, I need to clean up the house some more...so, I can make it messy with art stuff again. Isn't that brilliant? Plus, I need to be a good example to my little tadpoles or we will have issues of pack rat attitudes in the future.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Rocket flying to the moon

Power of communication

Norrie as a Pegasus unicorn (she's going to kill me for showing this one!)

My brother gave me the info to talk directly to the nurses at the hospital and it has taken away a lot of my anxiety. How funny/interesting it is to have open conversation with people and it takes away all your stress in 2 minutes.

The feeding tube is in and Dad seems to be taking to it well. He's fighting everyone, however. They are going to see how this goes and then see about giving him something to calm him. I wrote to my sister/brothers and asked them to give the nurses something as a thank you and to lift their spirits. What would you give? I'm thinking of sending angel ornaments I'm making...because they are like angels. I think I'll send the doctors some thank you's too.

I feel so tired. I must have been anxious as I did a lot of chores, yelled at the kids for no real reason (well, they were running late and not hurrying up or hustling themselves. They are like snails feeding on lettuce in the morning. Soooo slooowww.

The good thing is I did a lot of chores. The bad thing is there is a lot of chores to do. phewie. Plus, all the snow melted, it's mucky outside and dog poo has unfrozen en mass. yuck. I cleared up about half but there is so much more to scoop.

We even walked the dogs, trotted around the yard, and made plans to do more yard stuff. Our shoes are caked with mud.

Why is there always so much house work? I'm glad I got this new throw rug and it's machine washable. Thank goodness as the dogs were very naughty and I found several damp spots (instead of the 1 I thought was there).

There is this really nice drink by Crystal light...they basically nonalcoholic drinks for non-alcohol drinkers. Really quite good and lemony. It makes me think of summer. :) Oh, and Jon and I are watching an Italian movie, Bread and Tulips, that makes me want to visit Venice and have a trip to Italy. Of course, I wouldn't run away from my family. lol But it makes you think of summer and warm days ahead.

It's actually 52 degrees. How exciting! Yesterday, it felt so cold for some reason...maybe the weather is starting to change. I got depressed thinking about the time change (March 11th). I like the sleeping in thing...it doesn't seem to last. Oh, well.

I'm having a serious urge to take a nap or at least put my feet up and read. I have to unearth the couch as it's covered with toys and things. We got a new book shelf for the kids room. I need about 2-3 more...not huge but half sizes. I didn't realize what a difference life would be with proper book shelves. :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Getting things done

I'm working on my church's newsletter and mostly have to plug in things tomorrow after stuff is approved, etc. But I'm glad I touched base with people and don't feel out of the loop or chaotic because of last minute stuff. It feels like I tilled the soil and am waiting for stuff to arrive to plant. haha ha. I guess I'm in a Spring sort of mood. With all the cleaning I did yesterday, I guess you can say, I've started early spring plans.

I had some good news about my husbands co-worker...she's in a similar situation with her Dad has improved by leaps and bounds mostly because he's taking his meds and getting fed (feeding tube). Maybe I'm generalizing here, but why does it seem that men are so stubborn to the point of neurotic about their health and not getting help? Why? Is it a macho thing? That's so sad. It does not mean a person is weak by going to the doctors...it means they care for themselves and those around them, actually. It reminds me all too much of my bird that died. Why? Because he hid his illness and when I did try to help him, he was too weak and died. It's so sort of strange survival strategy or something to not get pecked out of the flock, I guess. But people aren't like this, obviously! Sigh...

I feel like, my sister/brothers, Mom and I, all made the right choice and Dad is doing better each day. :) It's a good feeling to know this.

Monday, February 20, 2012

day by day

It's been tough the last few weeks. I honestly thought we were going to not have my Dad around any more and there is still a lot of worry/stress. But some good things...his internal bleeding has stopped, he's responding well to the kidney meds and he did very good in the feeding tube surgery. So, little by little. It's hopeful and once we can get the other issues worked on (cancer treatment), I'll feel more like 60% positive. The doctors were actually very impressed with my Dad's response to the kidney meds and this made all of us feel a lot better. They even said, these kidneys are serve him very well. I was shocked.

My Mom is suffering from a bad cold and I know it's stress related. I started worrying I sent my germs when I mailed presents...but I don't think that can mailed, can it? Either way, maybe I should lysol stuff before mailing...

And now, Jon has got a cold too. Poor guy. I think we're all stressed out lately.

I feel sort of in shock about my Dad, honestly. If he can at least get to the point where he is mostly eating on his own, and 50% on the medication through the feeding tube, we'll be happy. Thanks to God and all who have prayed/positive thoughts. I truly believe it's working.

I feel exhausted mentally and a little physically (did some major house cleaning). I'm so, so glad to be able to do things (remembering how awful I was about a month-2months ago). I've been working on some new collage pieces...larger (24 by 32 inches) for a contest. I submitted 1 so far and I have a chance to submit 2 more. I don't want to show them until after the contest is over. Hopefully, everything will go through. We shall see. It's with the local radio station, WPSU.

I made a huge mess all over the dining room doing the collages but, it was a lot of fun. Something I needed to do. And now, gotta clean up! lol

We've been watching this show called "Big Foot". Yeah, we're silly and I know there most likely isn't a Big Foot but it's all part of the fun. Plus, I've loved the idea of a gentle wood giant...protecting the forests or at least being one with nature. Fun stuff. The kids think it's great and keep asking questions and wondering...what if?

Oh, and the kids are also into Voo Doo dolls. Don't ask me why. I think they like the yarn feel or the creepy but cute thing. Anyway, we're trying to make some of our own. Plus, I still need to paint about 50 pet rocks and list on Etsy. :) I think I'll do that tomorrow or once I get the dining room cleaned up.

I don't know if it's my mood, more sunlight, or just a sense of peace but it seems like there are more angels in the world lately...or more people smiling. Which is really letting your soul shine. I'm glad to see that and I hope I reflect a little of this too.

Tomorrow, is Shrove Tuesday...pancakes at church. Ash Wednesday and our church will be hosting a Fish Fry too. Lydia's having her first String Bass concert as well. This is a CRAZY packed week. Plus, I have to get the newsletter for church finished up! ack!!

SO MUCH TO DO. But it's all good. Again, the motto, inch by inch is a cinch is popping into my head.

I still can't believe things are starting to calm down for my Dad. I don't want to jinx it or anything, I guess. Blessings and time are making a difference...beautiful.

Well, I better get some stuff picked up. Basketball has ended on a high note. The gals made it to the finals and today they almost made it to the next round in overtime at their last game. That's a good end to a great season. :) I'm a proud mama (but a relieved one too...I get my weekend evenings back!!).

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

a long romance

a long romance by Emilyannamarie
a long romance, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

100_1154 by Emilyannamarie
100_1154, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

Good news

Dad is going to get a feeding tube and Mom has total control over choices, finally. Maybe it won't change anything, but we have to try. That is what we want...a chance to try. Thank God all of us are on the same page. The other good thing about the feeding tube is we can now have Dad get all the pain meds he needs and not worry he is suffering. That is a big issue right now. So, praying all of this will help make him feel more comfortable and stable.

nearly poked my eye out...

and not with a bebe gun. I am such a klutz these last few days! I cannot believe how many times I've hurt my self just by being careless...hot glue gun mishap, pinched my finger between the back of the car handle and the liscense plate, burned 3 fingers on something, bent back my finger nail while putting away laundry (quite a bit of blood, oddly enough), spilled hot coffee all over my leg and side, burned my self while cooking (the pan spit grease everywhere) and now nearly popped out my eye while cleaning up the back porch. GEESH! I feel like I have where protective gear or something...At least I was careful exercising today. I kept thinking I could twist my ankle or pull a muscle, so I was gentle with my self. My eye hurts. :(

I think I've been upset about my Dad and get distracted. I have to vent in my journal and pray more. It's just very upsetting to know my Dad is suffering so much. Plus, I'm missing a family meeting w/the doctors. Maybe I can get my brother and sister to have me on the phone when they do that. I hope they at least try to include me.

On a different note, I got the dogs some chewies and they are laying around outside chewing them like it's gold. This is after I found several kid toys chewed up. I needed to restock in dog treats. Plus, I was sorry for getting mad at Penny for having a poo/pee accident on the new throw rug. I started to feel all emotional about her because I was like, some people can't have dogs and I'm lucky to have one...even with her faults. Plus, it was our mistake for not letting her out more yesterday. She's such a good dog and I need to remember that. Plus, I found my several pics of my Mom's dog she had a few years back. I thought I didn't have any pics and here I found 3! I'm so happy because my Mom didn't have 1 and after they lost the house, they didn't have anything to remember Rusty (they had to put him to sleep, cancer/old age) and it was very emotional. Thank you, God for these treasures. You can be sure I'm making my Mom copies and an original Dog painting for her wall. :) :)

So, even with all the sad things there is good stuff happening and treasures are found. This makes a huge difference in making you feel better about the world. Always look for treasures...you never know what you'll find or where. <3 Just be careful you don't poke your eye out!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

rainbow stickers and kittens

I'm feeling better after 20+ hours of a terrible migraine. Boy, was that annoying. I slept so much...and I could sleep more. Weird how that work.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Peter, Paul & Mary - The Unicorn Song from their "Reunion" album

an odd series of dreams

I had quite a few dreams last night. The one I remembered well had something to do with me joining a women's football team (I don't even like football). We had this plan that if we made it to the Superbowl, we'd spilt the winnings between the players. We were doing great and then I got injured and had to have a replacement. We made it to the Superbowl, won and I still got paid. :) Then, while I was getting better in the hospital, I made a new product and was talking to this family, who happened to be Asian, if they wanted to invest in it. They said, Yes! and offered me either 5, 10 or 20 million to start. I went with 5 to see if anything would flow with my new product. Next, I bought a house and it had ghosts in it and I was like, maybe I shouldn't have bought this house but it was out in the country and I was tempted to keep it.

Honestly, I think my dream is a combination of several life events (the gals basketball team making it to playoffs (they won another game), my Dad in the hospital and me hoping he gets better each day, and watching too much Adventure Time. I really, really love Adventure Time. If anyone ever wants to get me a gift with something Adventure Time on it like a shirt or even a pencil/stationary set, I'd be more than cool with that. :D

Right now, I got some flyer's from church about how to deal with a sick person, grief and everything. It's making me extremely emotional and sad. I also wish I hadn't caught a glimpse of some show about real people making tough hospital decisions...it was depressing and made me think, that it could me there or a family member and how would I deal with this? I started to feel all panicky. Esp. when I saw a beautiful young woman on life support and they were discussing what to do (potential organ donor).

When I think of these things, I really pray there is a heaven or a waiting station for people to redeem themselves. I have a feeling there is. I don't need confirmation, thank you. I guess when we all travel that road, we'll know.

I know this all sounds down/depressing (at least for me it does). It helps deal with that fear, I guess.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Valentine Pet Rocks

I will have pics soon...I just sprayed them (painted pet rocks)with varnish and they are drying (drying time takes longer when it's 30 degrees outside. who knew? Actually, I did know and brought them in the house to finish curing). I feel like this is one of those projects that is as fun to make as to get one. I'm in love with painted rocks! :) I want to get bigger ones for the garden and paint them all. :) I especially love the rainbow ones and hearts, of course.

Anyway, I got all emotional watching that show about building a house for people. It was great and I was crying all over the place, of course. sigh...I love that feeling of just being happy and crying.

Things seem to be stable-ish w/ my Dad. He had a very scary rough patch with stroke #2 and not getting any treatment. It was really awful and horrible. Things are getting better and I'm hoping he'll be all right but I don't know. I'm not going to worry about it, trust God and know we are all doing the best we can.

I'm so tired right now. I just brushed my teeth and am willingly going to bed after I type this. The house is a mess and I don't care. I'll clean it all up tomorrow...I'll pretend company is coming over. Okay, that's a scary thought...

It snowed all day...a very light and gentle snow, thankfully. I made a snowman but the little Mr. Gottshall decided to tear it apart and smash it back into snow. The violence! I was a bit surprised. anyway, good night. <3

Monday, February 06, 2012

Finally, a calm weekend

Dad is stable, finally. He had to go back to the main hospital and after a lot of hassle, stress and anxiety, he's there. My Mom has gotten a new/much better doctor. Her first attitude is one of Hope and that is the best. What a difference! Should I ever be in a bad condition, I want Hope. I don't want someone looking at me or some charts and saying, nope, there isn't anything we can do. There is always something to be done...whether it's basic comfort, basic pain relief, physical therapy and so much more. It's a million times better to have a person start from the premise that there is always Hope.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

hair bow by my mom

hair bow by my mom by Emilyannamarie
hair bow by my mom, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.


Untitled by Emilyannamarie
Untitled, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

jon in a hat

jon in a hat by Emilyannamarie
jon in a hat, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

h in a hat

h in a hat by Emilyannamarie
h in a hat, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

Talking in Their Sleep

by Edith M. Thomas

"You think I am dead,"
The apple tree said,
"Because I have never a leaf to show-
Because I stoop,
And my branches droop,
And the dull gray mosses over me grow!

But I'm still alive in trunk and shoot;
The buds of next May
I fold away-
But I pity the withered grass at my root."

"You think I am dead,"
The quick grass said,
"Because I have parted with stem and blade!
But under the ground,
I am safe and sound
With the snow's thick blanket over me laid.

I'm all alive, and ready to shoot,
Should the spring of the year
Come dancing here-
But I pity the flower without branch or root."

"You think I am dead,"
A soft voice said,
"Because not a branch or root I own.
I never have died, but close I hide
In a plumy seed that the wind has sown.

Patient I wait through the long winter hours;
You will see me again-
I shall laugh at you then,
Out of the eyes of a hundred flowers.


I'm starting to feel tired from my restless sleep. My ears feel a bit better but I feel dizzy from the infections and tired/stressed from everything else. I guess I need to make an appointment for the doctor.

I feel like there is so much to do and everything feels sort of overwhelming. Plus, I'm annoyed I didn't get a cheap box of fabric softner when I went shopping. I was thinking of getting in bulk but until then, I have 1 sheet left. darn

Plus, I wish I got some hoagies or something for lunch. I should make soup or something. It is really, really windy and sort of matches my sad mood.

I think I'll photograph some of my artwork. I've been doing work even with all this going on. I just haven't taken any pics. or lay down for a few minutes cause my ears are starting to ring/hurt more. :(

I want to be in CA with my Mom and family. love you all.

thinking and praying

My Dad had another stroke, yesterday. It was a big one. It was at the convelesant hospital. The dr in charge, who we thought we had gotten changed, didn't take him to the main hospital and said there was nothing they could do because of his pre-existing issues. I'm upset about the whole thing. I talked to my Mom and we prayed. I told her she's done as much as she can do...my Dad fights w/ everyone with medication. He does not want to do anything willingly.

His reasoning skills weren't this bad before the fall. My Mom has told me many times how his thinking has basically repeated statements he knows pushes peoples buttons. And pushes them away. The strokes have made this even worse. I'm praying all is well and calm but I don't know. My Mom is a mess and I'm starting to think I need to get out there and help. It's just difficult w/ the kids,etc.

I also have two ear infections and that is why I'm up at 6 am typing this out. What is a comfort for me and what I told my Mom is God has everything in his hands. We don't have to worry so much and be scared because there is a lot of good and kindness out there. It's just scary when it's someone you love or your self that is going through painful life changes...it makes you want to lash out at the world and rage. Or else hide away and cry. Both are normal responses...

Anyway, all I can do is pray that things get better or if not, at least know we are being taken care of by a lot of Good.


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