Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Thought I'd sit down and write a spell

It's been awhile. Basically, things have gotten a little better with my knowing/understanding hypothyroidism. It explains a lot of the ups and downs I've had over the years and why I was affected in a deeper way then most people by things...such as anxiety or fear of shots, etc. It's funny how things that normally I would have felt nauseous about (like seeing gore in movies) doesn't bother me quite as much. I expect to feel a stomach twisting feeling and it's not there...a relief, really. I'm still learning about my self and things are much calmer. I don't "freak" out as much and just sort of break things up into smaller components and deal with it. I like that.

I'm learning how to make things easier to take care of by scheduling them and having time frames for things. It's a good feeling because you're not all over and stressed out.

Recently, we learned my sister in law, my brother's wife, has stage 4 colon cancer. We're praying for her to recover and do well with treatment. After knowing what I've been through with hypothyroidism, I can't imagine the energy it uses up. I hope she has lots of help and I'm grateful that my brother is there to help. I think this is one of the reasons we are on this Earth, to help each other. I wish I lived closer to help them...they are in California and I'm in PA. Trying to think of gift ideas to make and send to them.

In other news, I'm working at my art and getting inspired. I still can't believe how much art I did while not feeling so hot. And I see why I was getting burned out too.If you don't have energy for basics in your life, how will you have energy for other things? I even stopped making food and could barely do chores at my worst. Now, I'm a little better. I have learned, however, that binge watching is not a good idea for hypo people. It will leave you dried out.

I'm very grateful to my kids stepping up to help me and doing their tasks well. They are great kids...even if they have tantrums and act out every now and then. Who's perfect, anyway?!? I'd rather people have a few tantrums and blow off steam...well, as long as it's not directed at a person and no one is hurt.

I've been frustrated by politics, too. I'm a huge Bernie supporter and disappointed by all the crude that has happened. I still believe in Bernie and justice prevailing. I have faith that good things will happen at the convention and we will have a people's president. Or else, I'm writing him in. :D

Friday, April 01, 2016

Touching base and hypothyroidism

Haven't written in here for ages...been busy with many things like school, life, health, etc. The biggest change or realization is the recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism. I finally have an answer to the many, many posts I've had about feeling terrible and down. It was at the point where I felt so depressed about everything I questioned my sanity and all the clues my body was giving me. I'm on the high level of hypothyroidism..9.17, I believe. I hope it's in more control and will find out the next time I have my blood tested. It was so bad, I honestly thought I had the mumps (I could feel my neck swelling). Different parts of my body were shutting down and I thought it was age. My hair was/is falling out, energy level was just make it through the day and take many naps. It was so horrible not knowing what was wrong with me. It came to a head in early March as I thought I was broken, physically. Thank God I got a new doctor and she was able to find out almost immediately what I had. I feel that, if I'm honest, this has been going on for 13-15 years.

The worst moments

Thinking I was going to have a heart attack because my body was so weak and not knowing it was my thyroid on empty.

Struggling in the winter...walking is one of my favorite things to do but I felt like my muscles were cramping up on me, and they were. I thought I was going to collapse because of this. I realize now how strong I am considering all of this.

Shortness of temper...basically no patience and little to no desire to do what I love, art. My loss of things that I love was growing bigger and bigger. I thought it was because I was going to school and driving...nope.

Bad decisions and forgetting things/slumps of depression. I questioned my very existence because I thought why I am here at school? Why does this matter? Why do I matter? But it was my illness that was talking, not me.

The best moments so far

Not being so afraid. I was afraid of so many things...I still catch my self holding back and doubting my self because of that fear. I have to work/write/and relearn some skills because I was literally building walls to control my anxiety. When I think of all the energy I put into trying to create stepping stones so I wouldn't fall or get lost, I'm shocked. Even simple tasks like talking on the phone became overwhelming. Driving, nearly impossible for long distances. The best part of carrying on and getting the medicine I needed was seeing the change in my fear and the levels go down to the point where I think, what was I so afraid of.

Seeing my patience grow.

Having energy and trying to get in better shape now that I know it will work.

Seeing my eyes less swollen (my eyes had become half the size they normally are)

Getting interested in art an finishing up projects which felt like heavy stones on my back before. A complete 180 degree change.

Appreciation for my family and pets.

Relearning how to focus as I'm getting adjusted to this. My attention seems to be a blooming flower which is nice but distracting if you are in awe by everything.

Flavors of food are coming back to me....I lost the sense of taste and my ability to smell was muted. I told my husband it was like being in a dimly lit room, the light going off on occasion and now, now I am experiencing things as if for the first time. It's a bit like a rebirth, is how I'd put it.

My allergies are about a 2-3 instead of mind crushingly 9-10 with pain. I have some bad days but nothing like it used to be where I couldn't get out of bed.

Body aches are less, less swelling of joints.

I still have bad hearing but even that seems a little less difficult...or rather I seem to hear a little more, not a lot but more.

What I have learned

Always get a second opinion. I had the thyroid test three years ago but they didn't do a deeper test. I felt I had thyroid issues but my doctor was like, no. I wish I had been tested for this 10 years ago; a deeper test would have saved so much time and wasted energy/resources.

I would recommend any person with a weight issue, any of these symptoms to get a simple blood test and check their thyroid. I honestly feel this is under diagnosed and could save many people's lives.

For my self, I do not feel I was close to death. However, I knew something was very off and even more so, I so depressed and talked of dying quite a bit. I'm thankful for a husband who listened and tried to cheer me up. The best thing was finding out why I was so down. It was a type of depression but for a very specific reason. My feeling is if you encounter parts of your body/emotions/likes/dislikes numbing or being forgotten or less liked, it is an indicator something is wrong. Do not put off getting tested and demand a thorough test of your thyroid to rule out everything. I'm feeling so much better now. My hope is by writing this and sharing it with everyone is a way to learn from my story. I can not stress enough how I hope people will get tested on a deeper level for this issue.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Praying for those in France~

heart breaking~
violence solves what?

leaves only blackness and dust
anger, fear, for years, generations to come

do not go there. Do not


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