Sunday, September 30, 2012

pestering papa during his nap

Sunday afternoon

Had a good day at church, mostly on time and just a good weekend over all. Of course, now that it's quiet and time to think/relax, I feel this tightness squeezing on my throat...thinking of my dad. I don't know what I want to do (cry, write in my journal, cry and nap, plant at tree in memory of my dad...).

There is also this huge let down feeling...cause, you know, we really didn't want him to pass away and were hoping for much longer time with him.

I feel sad and tired. Plus, I just yelled at Jon for not helping me. I feel annoyed by that too.Sometimes, you just feel like yelling. I feel a little better for some reason. I better apologize.

Anyway, I just feel grumpy. I can see why some people just want to be a big grump and left alone at times.

Friday, September 28, 2012

pumpkins and pirates

Some of my collection of my mom's pumpkin bag line

isn't it cute? Love it!

so sweet! Harvest banner

adorable pumpkin puse

41 pics of my loves (might need to get another collage board...missing a few folks)

sunset in Altoona

beautiful sunset


My 2 pirates


Thursday, September 27, 2012


One of my favorite photos of dad...Harrison was kicking Uncle Daniel and Dad was like, whoa...that's one strong kid

me and my dad

me and my dad by Emilyannamarie
me and my dad, a photo by Emilyannamarie on Flickr.

tired

The day has barely gotten under way and I feel a bit exhausted. We got off to a late and yelling start...kids forgot stuff, I forgot stuff...apologize, etc,etc. Anyway, it's working out now. Yesterday evening was so annoying. I drove to two music shops...1 was closed and the other was out of music books. It was even more annoying because the music shop guy I talked to didn't know where the new music shop was (I have my doubts about that)...thankfully, the teacher knew (I emailed her). To my surprise it's only 5 blocks away from the kids school. I feel like I wasted a bunch of gas. Oh, well.

I drove by the shop and will be able to get my daughter's music stuff w/out postage as I cancelled my on-line order. Location is everything.

I feel really down, I guess, from the weather rainy and sad about my dad. I was doing pretty good...went to the library, played with H. at the kids library and got this really intense desire to have an inside pond. There was a pond by the check out at the library...so cute!

I'm going to bring Gingerbread (our rabbit) and Suki (guinea pig) downstairs and have them be close to us. It's nice to have them upstairs (protected from a certain mischievous dog named Penny. But I do miss them when they are up there in the girls room. Maybe it will draw Cato out too (our shy kitten).

I feel upset about my dad leaving us...it felt way too soon. It's just not fair. I feel like I missed doing so many things with my dad over the years. Just gotta remember to learn from that.

I just feel like so many negative things have happened lately...things beyond my control. I know I can't say that dad didn't suffer and it is good that he isn't in pain anymore. But I miss him so much.

Been talking to my mom...she's feeling down, obviously. I need to hug her. Sometimes, it feels like we've been under a strange curse or something. Maybe that's what mental illness creates in it's path...a feeling of no control and despair. I don't know.

Life goes on, doesn't it? The days become colder and darker and it's Fall. I just have so much I wish  I could have changed for my family...the most I wish is protection for people who are older and especially for those with mental health issues.

It's a terrible feeling to have someone you love, leave you. It's really awful and if I could I'd throw these feelings away. But it's something you have to cry out and focus on the good memories. I've been working on a photo collage and it's helping me connect my loved one's in a good way. I've had that collage thing sitting around for almost a year! I'm glad I finally am doing it. it's a good feeling to see happy faces. It has 41 picture slots....it's not easy to find 41 photos to fill in there (size issues, etc). But it's coming along. about 3-4 more pics to put in there. It's huge.

Have a good day and remember to tell people a kind word or 3. ;) 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

remembering

dad in his youth

dad playing the flute

My dad

Dad and Daniel (my brother)

Dad and mom with the gang

me and my dad

And there is so, so much more. Love you, dad

Frank SINATRA - The Impossible Dream

Had to share this again...

Memorial for my daddy today

Today my sister, brothers and mom are having a memorial for my dad. They are having it at my brother's church and conducted by his soon to be father in law. I know my dad would love this. My uncle is going to sing at the memorial and this is so touching.

I think I'd like to do something too...not sure what yet.

I'm supposed to be at church right now but Norrie is sick at home with a fever (woke up to throw up all over). Poor thing. So, I'm here at home. We're also supposed to go to Shaver's creek for a church walk. Jon and the other kids might have to go alone while I tend to a sick child. The best laid plans...always seem to change. But at least we are doing our best and this is happening on the weekend. I really hope Norrie feels well enough to go but I don't know...she is sleeping on my bed, so, probably not.

It's good to cry. I got to talk to Father Fred for a few minutes and that helped too. I totally agree it's much better to cry and let it out or it really can make you sick. Just keep a bag full of tissues handy...seriously.

I feel so, so blessed to have so many good people in my life. I truly am rich with friends and family. I know my dad was too...I can remember Thanksgiving's where there would be no room at the table because my dad would invite friends and they would come. I loved that...even if it meant eating supper on the front porch steps (it's California weather...so not cold at all). :) I thank God for giving us a great dad and mom. Poor mom would have to bake an extra turkey. People would bring extra food, it was great.

I found out that my dad loved pecan pie last night. Mom's going to have that at the memorial or else pumpkin. I had no idea. This made me happy because Jon's favorite it pecan and Norrie loves pumpkin. :) Little things like this makes me happy.


And another part of me is angry that my dad didn't take his health as something precious and fragile. That he listened to "natural" snake oil salesmen. A lot of this could have been avoided. This is what hurts the most, I suppose. It makes me so angry at these people who sneak into people's lives, tricking them by false promises of health by going natural. It can happen to anyone. Steve Jobs lost his life this way too. It really makes me furious at how they prey the weaknesses of people. Honestly, I'd have them outlawed and thrown in jail. They are totally evil to me.

I may have to write a short story about this...makes me so mad.

I've got to check on Norrie. It's a gorgeous day and I have a feeling I'll be stuck inside. But I'd rather not push her to do anything to would make her worse. I was sick earlier this week, so I know a little of how she feels. Hopefully, this will be it for a while, cold wise.


Friday, September 21, 2012

A sweet memory of my dad...he was one of a kind in thoughts and beliefs and for that, I'm proud to be his daughter. I didn't always agree with everything he said/thought/did but he was someone he didn't follow the crowd. :)

I'm so thankful for my sister and brothers taking care of my mom and dad during this time...so grateful for them and I know we all did what we are able. I'm especially thankful for my brother's fiance's father who will be doing a memorial on Sunday and my my uncle to sing at the memorial.

I'm also grateful for my sister's mom-in-law to help with so much. Family is truly amazing.




exhausted....

feeling sad and down. I always knew my dad might die but having it actually happen, feels just terrible. I'm comforted in the fact that I know he was surrounded by family and love. I was there by phone and was able to play several songs for him. I'm grateful he got to hear his favorite Mozart piece, Alleheuia and songs that represented my love for him. I do feel sad I didn't get to hug him good bye. I will have to think about that and remember all the times before this...memories that are dear to me. And I will hug my family and get hugs from them.

I don't know what is going to happen after all of this .We shall see.

I need to make a photo montage of my dad...


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

feeling sick and sad

So things with dad are not doing too good. He was admitted to the ICU about 3 days ago. For the past 2 months, the convalescent home had thought that dad was having a reaction to the antibiotics. He kept getting worse and worse. My mom was like, take him to the hospital. He needs a blood transfusion, etc, etc. Similar to the last time we were at a different convalescent hospital. I swear the doctors want to push patients to the most extreme and see if they die. This total disregard of life. After this experience, I'm very against convalescent homes unless one is totally desperate. Home nursing is by far, so much better.

Anyway, dad is at the ICU still, he apparently had a staph infection! Now, it has spread from his intestines to his lungs and blood. They are trying to flush out everything with fluids and hopefully, get him on dialysis. I have no idea if he'll make it. It's so stressful. I know that we are trying everything...praying and getting proper care. If he makes it, it will be a miracle. If not, I know that he fought a huge battle, did the best he could and is at peace.

Since his stroke from the fall, his ability to speak went away and I do miss his voice. During his better manic years, he ran for governor in California. I just think that is a bit crazy and wonderful. Apparently, there are recordings of him at radio stations talking about his ideas (and they are far out)...wish I could find them. 

I just think my dad was such a character...sometimes he'd really push your buttons and other times you just loved his passion and energy. My husband was telling me about the original St Nickolas  and how he was a fighter for justice. My dad always had this sense about him...even if it was a bit muddled. :) I like to think of my dad a bit this way. Yeah, he really did push a lot of people the wrong way and in his last few years was really quite mentally stressed (bipolar issues)...but he was, over all, a sweet old bear.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Getting organized

As you might have guessed, I've been busy and distracted of late. Mostly busy with school things for kids and getting them prepped/organized. Distracted by silly things like internet research (okay, mostly having fun on FB and pinterest). I'm typical in that department.

However, I have been doing a lot of other fun things. Making a new line of art dolls, wrapping up the Farmer's Market season...pretty good for my first time thanks to my husband for helping with that. And trying to think of a place to sell on-line or in person once the winter months hit. I keep wishing I had a shop, but that is a big dream.

My dad is very low energy wise and needs a blood transfusion. The convelscent home where he is at doesn't do a transfusion until it's 8.8...he was 8.9 and then when up to 9.2. I don't see why it has to be so low...that's crazy. It's upsetting that it's taking so long and he's in a miserable state. Plus, he is having issues with breathing and is on steroids. It just feels like a dark time when it all is said and done. I'm praying he'll keep feeling all right but unless you are on the nurses and doctors, they will let things slide. Everything is so short staffed and can easily fall into neglect. Vigilance is key to better health on all levels.

If I think about this too much, I get depressed and won't be able to function. Fortunately, having a house filled with kids and pets makes it a little easier, mentally.

Anyway, doing art stuff and making things. Hopefully, trying to get some things on Etsy and Ebay. :)

Sociable

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