Haven't written in here for ages...been busy with many things like school, life, health, etc. The biggest change or realization is the recent diagnosis of hypothyroidism. I finally have an answer to the many, many posts I've had about feeling terrible and down. It was at the point where I felt so depressed about everything I questioned my sanity and all the clues my body was giving me. I'm on the high level of hypothyroidism..9.17, I believe. I hope it's in more control and will find out the next time I have my blood tested. It was so bad, I honestly thought I had the mumps (I could feel my neck swelling). Different parts of my body were shutting down and I thought it was age. My hair was/is falling out, energy level was just make it through the day and take many naps. It was so horrible not knowing what was wrong with me. It came to a head in early March as I thought I was broken, physically. Thank God I got a new doctor and she was able to find out almost immediately what I had. I feel that, if I'm honest, this has been going on for 13-15 years.
The worst moments
Thinking I was going to have a heart attack because my body was so weak and not knowing it was my thyroid on empty.
Struggling in the winter...walking is one of my favorite things to do but I felt like my muscles were cramping up on me, and they were. I thought I was going to collapse because of this. I realize now how strong I am considering all of this.
Shortness of temper...basically no patience and little to no desire to do what I love, art. My loss of things that I love was growing bigger and bigger. I thought it was because I was going to school and driving...nope.
Bad decisions and forgetting things/slumps of depression. I questioned my very existence because I thought why I am here at school? Why does this matter? Why do I matter? But it was my illness that was talking, not me.
The best moments so far
Not being so afraid. I was afraid of so many things...I still catch my self holding back and doubting my self because of that fear. I have to work/write/and relearn some skills because I was literally building walls to control my anxiety. When I think of all the energy I put into trying to create stepping stones so I wouldn't fall or get lost, I'm shocked. Even simple tasks like talking on the phone became overwhelming. Driving, nearly impossible for long distances. The best part of carrying on and getting the medicine I needed was seeing the change in my fear and the levels go down to the point where I think, what was I so afraid of.
Seeing my patience grow.
Having energy and trying to get in better shape now that I know it will work.
Seeing my eyes less swollen (my eyes had become half the size they normally are)
Getting interested in art an finishing up projects which felt like heavy stones on my back before. A complete 180 degree change.
Appreciation for my family and pets.
Relearning how to focus as I'm getting adjusted to this. My attention seems to be a blooming flower which is nice but distracting if you are in awe by everything.
Flavors of food are coming back to me....I lost the sense of taste and my ability to smell was muted. I told my husband it was like being in a dimly lit room, the light going off on occasion and now, now I am experiencing things as if for the first time. It's a bit like a rebirth, is how I'd put it.
My allergies are about a 2-3 instead of mind crushingly 9-10 with pain. I have some bad days but nothing like it used to be where I couldn't get out of bed.
Body aches are less, less swelling of joints.
I still have bad hearing but even that seems a little less difficult...or rather I seem to hear a little more, not a lot but more.
What I have learned
Always get a second opinion. I had the thyroid test three years ago but they didn't do a deeper test. I felt I had thyroid issues but my doctor was like, no. I wish I had been tested for this 10 years ago; a deeper test would have saved so much time and wasted energy/resources.
I would recommend any person with a weight issue, any of these symptoms to get a simple blood test and check their thyroid. I honestly feel this is under diagnosed and could save many people's lives.
For my self, I do not feel I was close to death. However, I knew something was very off and even more so, I so depressed and talked of dying quite a bit. I'm thankful for a husband who listened and tried to cheer me up. The best thing was finding out why I was so down. It was a type of depression but for a very specific reason. My feeling is if you encounter parts of your body/emotions/likes/dislikes numbing or being forgotten or less liked, it is an indicator something is wrong. Do not put off getting tested and demand a thorough test of your thyroid to rule out everything. I'm feeling so much better now. My hope is by writing this and sharing it with everyone is a way to learn from my story. I can not stress enough how I hope people will get tested on a deeper level for this issue.