Today started off with glorious sunshine and yellow leaves. This inspired us to do some fun things around the house~moved the futon to the basement, massive cleaning and rearranging ensued and just all out home buzzing and fussing. It was fun! We had thought of trotting off to the Pittsburgh museum but I want to go with my friend (Caroline!). We've finally started to have time to chat and this has lifted my spirits tremendously. Friends do that.
I also have been doing more art, finally. Jon has been helping make my dad's cremation box. We didn't have the right screws and now, it's put together. I have to paint it and give it some life as well as a lid and bottom. It was a very draining feeling to see it all put together and I felt extremely emotional. It's like reburying him.
Because of making this box, I had to make a piece of art to express my feelings. All I could think of was tears. I'll photograph what I did tomorrow. When I was done, it felt so right. I inadvertantly placed it on top of my dad's box. It felt exactly how I felt. Sometimes, I don't how all this came to be and it seems like a bad, horrible dream. I know life isn't supposed to go on forever and bad things happen to every one. I know all of that and I know that life is fragile and so on. It will always be hard, so hard to not have him here. And it makes me sad that my aunt Dimka and aunt Tina aren't here. All I can think of them is angels watching over us all. I'm so, so grateful for what I do have from them~time and love.
I don't know. For a moment, I thought if only things could have been different but a part of me is how could it, really? It is what it was and life moves on. Tears flow and we let go. We go on and learn to love what was and see it as part of who we are now.
It's funny how I started this blog post about cleaning up and here I'm writing about my feelings. I guess I had to clean them up too.