If anyone would have told me that having a loved one pass away would make you feel like a yo-yo, I wouldn't believe it. That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes, I feel all right and my mind forgets about all that happens. But then, I'll remember and feel sad like my heart is carrying a basket full of bricks. These are the times I pray, light a candle, write and cry. It's good to get out all these feelings.
I still can't believe my dad is gone, physically. It seems like some sort of terrible hand that blocks you from that person and you just feel so frustrated and angry. That's how I feel at times. Other times, I'm at peace with it and know he isn't suffering and that makes a huge difference. It's just not easy, either way.
A church friend passed away on Sunday as well and this felt like another sharp sword in an already sore heart. You just don't know what's going to happen in life. The odd thing is the similarity of what happened to my dad and her. My dad waited so long to deal with his illness and not even telling anyone...actually, the doctors told my mom (she was totally clueless). That is the problem letting things go, I feel, and not taking care of an issue immediately. We had another family friend do the same thing with stomach cancer...just so sad. I have so many questions about this all...like why my dad was so religious and put all his faith in God and "natural" remedies but none in doctors. I don't know if this is true for everyone, but it just seems like you need to do all of these things and not one thing.
For years my dad was so, so negative and would lash out at everyone. It was not normal, I knew this, but know I see more of what this could have been about. It's like a Hallmark movie with an unhappy ending. All I do know is, do not hold things from loved ones. Do the most you can to take the best care of your self and it will flow to everyone and everything. Be totally honest and allow your self to be have emotions and get them out in a positive way. Being in touch with your self, you'll be able to be in touch with others without any other agenda. Transparency is key.
Today, I'll do my chores, make some soup, muffins (per request of a 3 yr old) and some art, hopefully. It's cold and chilly outside but that makes me appreciate the warmth of our little home. Things do not always turn out how you expect them and that is all right. Embrace the moment for what it is, and be glad we are here. Have a good Monday~