the quiet rain


I keep thinking of my Auntie Dimka alone in Oklahoma. I'm sure there are nurses and staff near by but it is a sad realization that she is by her self. Maybe a kind person from the church she went to will visit her. I hope so.

Before my dad got so hurt and ill, he tried to get my aunt, his sister, to come back to California. He went before a judge but she threw him out of court. Basically, he was raving and saying every illogical thing he could think of. He was very upset and emotional. I think if he had been able to express him self better, he could have gotten my uncle, his brother, to help. But it didn't happen.

The person I really upset with, really angry with is my cousin, my aunt's daughter. Basically, she got angry with her elderly mom and left her in Oklahoma. She said some crazy things about letting her die there and that's her "punishment". To me that is so, so sick and cruel. She didn't know auntie Dimka (who is the reason my cousin got to America...from Bulgaria) and she just ignored all my aunt's pleas to try and create a positive relationship. Sure, my aunt is very religious and a bit funny about dreams and such. However, to just leave her so far from friends and family, to say she is the judge of this elderly woman and has the right to keep her away from everyone else, is wrong. I honestly think she was afraid my aunt would say something about her daughter or family and it would make her ashamed. This would explain her total cutting off of her own mother.  I think it was more for lack of funds that my cousin had to leave my aunt behind. I think I was venting here and emotional.

The odd thing is, I grew up with my aunt and know most of the story of how she came to America and had to leave everything behind. I know what her husband did (had affairs, beat her, and divorced her and remarried while she had a small room in the same house! Some crazy laws of the time didn't let her just leave). How she eventually came to America, had to leave her son and daughter because of the horrible situation, so she could have some sanity. I wish my family had had some psychological intervention to help everyone. I think this is my biggest regret in our family. That we didn't have any therapy for family members or family therapy to deal with these sorts of issues. I really feel like it would have helped because we all loved each other, just didn't know how to express ourselves, etc. I'm thinking of how my mom and aunt could have had less arguments and my dad as well.

I'm praying for my aunt as I think she is near the end. I hope she is at peace. I have many memories of her as a wonderful person and loving story teller. I remember playing a trick on sister, brothers and I recorded a bunch of squeaks on a tape recorder and hid outside her window. We pretended to be mice and she played along with us, making surprised sounds and saying, "oh, no! There are mice everywhere!" lol She rushed to the window and we all laughed. And she'd have interesting dreams and thoughts about God and life. Some dreams where a bit eerie in how close to the truth they were and so interesting. I still need to paint some of them.

I need to find some pictures of my aunt. I love you, my dear aunt.


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