heart beats

Is this how it is supposed to feel...like your heart is beating outside of your body? It's as if there is this strange vine that I don't want to cut back but want to grow and survive. Another part of me knows there will be a time to let it go, but now, right now, I want it to get stronger.

Last night, my sister finally saw my dad for the first time in 16 years. She brought my niece and nephew. They all said sorry and asked for forgiveness. They hugged. I am glad.

Why does it always seem to take something like a doctor's visit to switch people around? My dad has been in a lot of physical pain. He complained about his back and bones for over 6 months (from the prostate cancer spreading, unfortunately). Who knows how long it was effecting him? The doctor said the more he is on treatment, the more his mental capacity could return. Maybe it wasn't dementia/bipolar...maybe it was the cancer hurting him so much...he was going crazy. This just makes me so very sad to think. That's the one thing I'm very grateful for right now...that he is on pain meds and is not hurting so much.

I feel tired and worried. I'm hoping the doctors will say he has a lot longer to go and that the treatment will start soon. Thankfully, my dad is very open to it.


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