Monday, February 01, 2010

Feeling a bit blue...

All this winter has finally hit me like stubbing your toe in the dark. Not fun. Plus, I feel sorry for myself with these fibroid and the upcoming event. I feel like a big baby, but I feel down about it all. I'm very lucky and I know things could have been very different if I had the fibroids in the wrong place. As it is, what I'm mostly is scared. Thoughts of me not being here anymore makes me sad...boy, do I sound melodramtic/self pitying. I think it's the music too. I may need to change the selection on my blog and put some more cheerful stuff or else I'm going to be playing violins for me. I did listen to Rufus Wainwright and though I love his work,it's not the most upbeat tunes to listen to.

Anyway, I think I'm making my husband go crazy. I just feel sort of bad and what I should do is just write in my journal and not be a big stink bug to everyone. Is it better to keep things personal to your own family or should you let them know how you feel (somewhat filtered). I keep remembering this one short story I read years called The Chrysanthemums
by John Steinbeck. I looked it up and can't believe there it was in all it's full glory. From what I remember it's about a couple that don't communicate. They just sort of not say anything. At the time, I thought this was pretty pathetic and I suppose, I still do. If you're a real couple, you're going to get into arguments/discusions and then, make-up and forgive. This is normal for pretty much all relationships, actually. Healthy ones, that is.

I guess I'm trying to justify my grumpy disposition/self pitying attitude. I think this works best when you have a good hour to be by your self and write in a journal while drinking tea. Instead, I slept and woke up even grumpier. Annoying.

As for my day, it was full of little fingers wanting to follow what I was doing...typing on the keyboard, picking up (unpicking) around the house, holding onto my hands as we shuffle walked around, tapping on the piano keys and so on. I was able to finish a review I did for a music group, Treadmill Trackstar, for the Altoona Art Blog while he slept. Then, it was a quick dash to do laundry and feeling not so good but trying to move around regardless. I sound like a cranky old person.

I need to finish up a sweet swap.I thought I'd do it tonight but had the whole blah/wah-wahs and will now, try and get a few more chores done. Tomorrow is a new day. I will do my best to be my best.

I feel better now that I'm listening to "The Science of Sleep". I'd like to eventually get a copy of that movie and watch it frame by frame...love the artsy feel and that the main characters are artists, etc.

Jon went off to the market and is going to bring home some cookies. This should make life feel less intolerable. I'll just have one or two and will be good. Sometimes, you need to have a cookie. :)

I guess I'm frustrated too...if I have to do the whole surgery (hysteroctomy) then, I might have to postpone the trip to CA. This will be very annoying. This is my other fear/worry. We can always go the next month, so I shouldn't be so hung up on dates.

Jon is back! Cookie time. :)

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